How to deal with family pressuring you to go into a specialty

Tell her to put up or shut up! This is your career, do what you like!


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tell them all to stfu, do what you like and dont worry about what others have to say.

Peach Newport said:

The politically correct answer is always gonna be "screw their opinions and follow your dreams," but unfortunately I live in reality...

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This is the correct answer in reality as well.

no offense but grow up and sack up

I'd dump them.

Peach Newport said:

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

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I'd drop the fiance in a heartbeat. Your parents respect should be based around how you conduct yourself as a person, not whether you prescribe prozac as a BC psychiatrist or a BC fam med doc. The parents will get over it in time.

Like my dad usually says "once you begin to prioritize satisfying everyone over satisfying yourself, no one will be happy... not even you"... For what it's worth, I worked in a Medical lab for a while and I think Pathologists are cool AF!

Peach Newport said:

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

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If my fiancé would leave because I did the specialty I want then I wouldn't want to be with that person anyway. Not a healthy relationship at that point. Your parents need to get comfortable with the idea that you are a free thinking adult now

Peach Newport said:

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

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If that's a deal breaker for your fiancé it really suggests that image is a greater priority than a true intimate relationship with someone she genuinely loves and cares about. I really doubt you'll lose the respect of your parents. When I told my parents I'm either going into gas, IM, or psych their response was, "so you went to med school to become a drug addict, glorified nurse, or crazy?" Since then I've pretty much decided on the field that they were the most "disappointed" with - they give me crap but they don't respect or care for me any less.

Peach Newport said:

My family and fiancée have always been supportive of my choices, but recently they've been seriously pressuring me about specialties to consider - and to not consider.
." She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore."
.

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Also, I'm not in your shoes so I won't pretend to understand the extent of your love for her but if my Fiancée had told me that, I don't think I'd be attracted to her anymore... It's your life too after all. In fact, that decision affects you much more than it affects her and she should at least try to understand why you're attracted to these fields rather than telling you flat out that your relationship might be over just because you specialize in a field that doesn't tickle her fancy.

This is actually a pretty large deal. What you do for the rest of your life and the fields you identify with are significant, significant deal breakers. I'd really consider premarital council. Your parents can deal, but a potential spouse against you on this is long term drama and marital madness IMHO

Peach Newport said:

Okay, you might actually have had it worse. Your description of your parents sounds like "SDN toxicity - the greatest hits collection."

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They're just words and opinions, and I actually found the comment pretty entertaining. Imma do what makes me happy, haters gonna hate.

Yeah, that's ridiculous. If that's the attitude of the girl, she's not marriage material. Someone who will "no longer be attracted to you" because of the specific field of MEDICINE you practice is shallow and ridiculous at that.

Now the parents will adjust, and often have weird preconceived notions.

In the end, do what you want to do. Try and be gentle with the parents, they're the only ones you have. As for the girl, sit down and explain that what she is saying is crazy, and ultimately if that's how she feels, maybe the relationship isn't meant to be.

Look, you're an adult now. You can vote, drink, drive, smoke, work, pay taxes, run for Congress, and fight and die for your country.

What kind of sexist bull**** is psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed."???? Tell that to my Psychiatry Faculty members!

You're thus old enough to put on your Big Boy pants and tell your Mom you'll decide own your career, thank you much.

If your fiancée is this controlling, this superficial, and this status-conscious at this point in your relationship, dump her ass now, or your life will be a living hell for the next 50 years.

Peach Newport said:

My family and fiancée have always been supportive of my choices, but recently they've been seriously pressuring me about specialties to consider - and to not consider.

I started medical school wanting to do psych or path. My fiancée thought I'd grow out of it, and said she'd support me, but recently has told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be married to a psychiatrist or a pathologist. It's not about the money (shes been dropping "hints" that wants me in FM) - it's about the stigma. Psychiatrists are "pill pushers" who "aren't real doctors anyway" and "why would you bust your ass in medical school just to tread depression?" Also, pathologists are "creepy as f**k." She says that these aren't HER opinions, rather that this is "the world we live in." She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." I hate to say it, but she might have a point.

My mom and dad agree with her - even though my mom is a child psychiatrist. My mother said that psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed." My dad thinks psychiatry is a really important and vital field... but not for his son. Both my mom and dad think pathology is "for scientists, not for doctors." Neither of them or my fiancée wanted me to go to medical school, but they said "if you're going to medical school, you're going to be a real doctor." Incidentally, none of them see a difference between an MD and a DO, so as a DO I guess small blessings.

What do you do when you love a field, but you also love your family, your fiancée, and take their opinions seriously? The politically correct answer is always gonna be "screw their opinions and follow your dreams," but unfortunately I live in reality, and the opinions of people I love are important to me.

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This scenario sounded like a flashback to the 1950's...

And no offense at all to FM docs, but your fiancé would hate you being in Path or Psych, but FM is what does it for her?

In all seriousness, you have 3 options, 1) do what she wants and be miserable. 2) do what you want and stay married to her, and most likely be miserable
3) do what you want, and tell her you want the ring back...and you might still be miserable but at least you will be a Psychiatrist and you'll know how to deal with it

Go into neurology - it is more exhausting and the patients are usually strokers but it has the physiology of mental processes and the granular insanity of pathology. Besides who said you cannot get a fellowship in behavioral neurology and neuropsychiatry or pediatric neurology and follow your dream .

Ignore the "get a new fiance crowd" , they are not in your shoes and good wifes don't grow on trees.

Peach Newport said:

Also, pathologists are "creepy as f**k." She says that these aren't HER opinions, rather that this is "the world we live in."

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Please let your fiancée know that a creepy as f**k pathologist is reading and signing out her pap smear.

Peach Newport said:

Both my mom and dad think pathology is "for scientists, not for doctors."

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Science should have no place in medicine. You cannot be a physician and a scientist, at the same time. Ever.

Goro said:

What kind of sexist bull**** is psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed."???? Tell that to my Psychiatry Faculty members!

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Maybe it hasn't propagated in the US as much but over the pond medicine is a woman's field. Since schools reward mechanical memorizing and society values learning less and less in a man about 90% of med schools students are women. Men dominate surgery and the own half the ER otherwise we are in the 10% ratio , also OBY/GYN doctors and nurses display blatant and aggressive discrimination towards males interested in the field.

Spectre of Ockham said:

Maybe it hasn't propagated in the US as much but over the pond medicine is a woman's field. Since schools reward mechanical memorizing and society values learning less and less in a man about 90% of med schools students are women. Men dominate surgery and the own half the ER otherwise we are in the 10% ratio , also OBY/GYN doctors and nurses display blatant and aggressive discrimination towards males interested in the field.

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Where exactly is that? which continents? I'm assuming Europe... I doubt that's the case in Asia, Africa, or even Southern America. I've heard that before but not to the extent that you claim.

I'll try to make this clear.

Girls/guys choose someone to date mainly based on status and superficial s*** - jobs, looks, income, how funny you are, whatever.

Spouses choose each other based on love and long-term commitment.

My wife married me before I even applied to med school. There was no guarantee I would get a six-figure income, would be able to tell her family/friends she has a doctor for a husband, etc. She married me for me. I married her for her. She supports me no matter what specialty I choose, and I supported her with whatever career she chose.

You are not in a healthy relationship. You are in a convenient romantic friendship where your inSO's view of you is based on status and perceived prestige. If she truly loved you, she would let you do whatever specialty you desire because that is you expressing yourself. She wants you to become something you're not at your core so she can tell her friends and family whatever the hell it is she superficially desires, like prestige or income or whatever. I can almost guarantee this is not the only issue in this relationship and, if so, this relationship will become a marriage that will end in divorce. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you need to hear this.

Don't even get me started on your parents....

tl;dr Stop settling for your inSO's and parent's sake. Find people who accept you for you or you will always have regret.

Peach Newport said:

My family and fiancée have always been supportive of my choices, but recently they've been seriously pressuring me about specialties to consider - and to not consider.

I started medical school wanting to do psych or path. My fiancée thought I'd grow out of it, and said she'd support me, but recently has told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be married to a psychiatrist or a pathologist. It's not about the money (shes been dropping "hints" that wants me in FM) - it's about the stigma. Psychiatrists are "pill pushers" who "aren't real doctors anyway" and "why would you bust your ass in medical school just to tread depression?" Also, pathologists are "creepy as f**k." She says that these aren't HER opinions, rather that this is "the world we live in." She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." I hate to say it, but she might have a point.

My mom and dad agree with her - even though my mom is a child psychiatrist. My mother said that psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed." My dad thinks psychiatry is a really important and vital field... but not for his son. Both my mom and dad think pathology is "for scientists, not for doctors." Neither of them or my fiancée wanted me to go to medical school, but they said "if you're going to medical school, you're going to be a real doctor." Incidentally, none of them see a difference between an MD and a DO, so as a DO I guess small blessings.

What do you do when you love a field, but you also love your family, your fiancée, and take their opinions seriously? The politically correct answer is always gonna be "screw their opinions and follow your dreams," but unfortunately I live in reality, and the opinions of people I love are important to me.

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Peach, I really want to believe that this is a made-up story. I'm so sorry that your family doesn't support your desires, but please head this advice and pursue the field that makes you happy. Psychiatrists are invaluable members of the medical community and it can be a rewarding field. In fact, psychiatrists currently have the lowest rate of burnout among physicians. And as a pathology resident myself, I assure you that we are normal, fun, and inviting. There is nothing creepy about pathologists, we're just as interested in patient care, but want to help from behind the scenes.

If your family thinks you're not going to be a "real doctor", that's on them. And to put it bluntly, do not marry your fiancee if she is putting stipulations on your level of attractiveness related to medical specialty of choice. That is not someone who will love you unconditionally, and you deserve so much better.

Good luck!
Signed, a not-creepy-as-f**k pathologist who LOVES her job!

I think you need a new girlfriend and some new parents...

Normally people with preferences for what career goals their SO has should filter that out before getting into a committed relationship. It isn't wrong to have preferences for what types of career path your SO undergoes.

For example, I am more attracted to women with high ambitions than ones who don't. But at this point in your relationship, if she is still basing her conditions on career, she doesn't love you. She's still treating you like a stranger on a blind date. I would reconsider whether you want to be with her for the rest of your life.

IslandStyle808 said:

I think you need a new girlfriend and some new parents...

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Parents are always looking out for what's best for their children based on their own preconceived notions and life experiences. I think it's a bit extreme to say they need new parents. I'm sure no matter what the OP chooses, their parents will come to accept their choices with time and still love them just as much. The girlfriend though.....

Peach Newport said:

My family and fiancée have always been supportive of my choices, but recently they've been seriously pressuring me about specialties to consider - and to not consider.

I started medical school wanting to do psych or path. My fiancée thought I'd grow out of it, and said she'd support me, but recently has told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be married to a psychiatrist or a pathologist. It's not about the money (shes been dropping "hints" that wants me in FM) - it's about the stigma. Psychiatrists are "pill pushers" who "aren't real doctors anyway" and "why would you bust your ass in medical school just to tread depression?" Also, pathologists are "creepy as f**k." She says that these aren't HER opinions, rather that this is "the world we live in." She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." I hate to say it, but she might have a point.

My mom and dad agree with her - even though my mom is a child psychiatrist. My mother said that psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed." My dad thinks psychiatry is a really important and vital field... but not for his son. Both my mom and dad think pathology is "for scientists, not for doctors." Neither of them or my fiancée wanted me to go to medical school, but they said "if you're going to medical school, you're going to be a real doctor." Incidentally, none of them see a difference between an MD and a DO, so as a DO I guess small blessings.

What do you do when you love a field, but you also love your family, your fiancée, and take their opinions seriously? The politically correct answer is always gonna be "screw their opinions and follow your dreams," but unfortunately I live in reality, and the opinions of people I love are important to me.

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Dude, your Fiancee just gave u a huge gift: Insight into what life will be like when you are married to her. Dump her, run, and never look back.

As far as parents go, I mean yeah you love em, but sometimes u gotta know when they don't know what they are talking about.

WindChaser said:

Parents are always looking out for what's best for their children based on their own preconceived notions and life experiences. I think it's a bit extreme to say they need new parents. I'm sure no matter what the OP chooses, their parents will come to accept their choices with time and still love them just as much. The girlfriend though.....

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Well, it was more of a joke. However, there is a line between wanting whats best for their children and self-fulfillment (sometimes its blurred I'll admit) and I think they just crossed it. Being a doctor is already a stable field, them wanting him to go into a field that is not psychiatry or pathology is them being nit-picky. Sometimes a part of being a parent is knowing when to let go, I have to tell my family that a lot.

How hot is your fiancee? Just kidding. You got all the typical advice here man and they're all right. I would honestly do whatever the f*** I wanted and if my girl left me then she leaves me. It sounds like they just need to be more educated on what a doctor in these fields are like and what exactly draws you to those fields.

AngryAsian said:

Please let your fiancée know that a creepy as f**k pathologist is reading and signing out her pap smear.

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That does actually sound creepy.

DrWhozits said:

This scenario sounded like a flashback to the 1950's...

And no offense at all to FM docs, but your fiancé would hate you being in Path or Psych, but FM is what does it for her?

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Don't you know most women who want their man to play doctor are fantasizing about FM?

His fiancée will lose attraction for him if he became a psychiatrist or forensic pathologist because she does not have a fetish for bearded father figures or necrophilia.

Peach Newport said:

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

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I'm not saying it's easy. I'm saying for a variety of reasons, that although it's difficult and I do understand the dilemma, there is really only one path that you are most likely to emerge OK from, AND is also the path that is most likely to ALSO bring them along for the ride OK too.

Your parents will likely die before you do, likely before you are done working. Your fiance.... well, I had one too. Boy am I glad I didn't sacrifice career for them, a marriage can also last 30+ years like a career, but man actually people come and go more easily than a career in medicine, even if you don't think a career is more important than love (I didn't!) The career is what you are *truly* stuck with on more than one level. Even if you think love is forever, she could die next year in an accident.

Based on what you have said about this woman, I can already tell you she is NOT marriage material. This can only end badly.

In my opinion, not only will you likely spend less time with these people than you do at work, they are more likely to get the **** over the IDEA of what you do for a living, than YOU are to get the **** over ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT TO DO 40-120 hours a week for the next 30+ years. Even if you came to like the field, who has more reason to feel resentment either way? You towards family for you not "following your dreams," or them towards you for not following *theirs*?? And which case of resentment is really going to plague you?

Because if you try to make them happy, and make yourself miserable, I don't believe miserable you = happier them.
I don't think you do yourself OR them any favors with that course in the long run.

However, if you do what makes you happy, and them unhappy, I think there is a higher chance that people who supposedly love you, will eventually be able to put aside their tangential unhappiness in light of your direct happiness.

Maybe if you explain the logic of all this, they can see why their petty needs for vicarious prestige, and ..... wait, nvm, see below.

Not to mention, people who think like this, ARE IMPOSSIBLE to make happy. So doing anything that makes yourself unhappy in this scenario is NEGATIVE SUM GAME.

Peach Newport said:

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

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If my fiancé told me she wouldn't be attracted to me anymore because of the field I chose I would drop her ass in a nanosecond. You need a new future wife and possibly new parents.

**** man.

Peach Newport said:

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

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Yes. Do you want to pretend to be somebody else for the rest of your life? Don't change who you are.

Peach Newport said:

Ugh why do I feel like you have a point...

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I wish you the best. You sound pretty defeated/helpless and you won't stand up to your "fiancee" or parents. Just realize that 10, 20, 30 years down the road when you sacrificed your ENTIRE CAREER for these other people, this was the critical time you made the decision to be okay with that.

I really do wish you the best.

Tell them you decided not to become a doctor because of their selfishness and now you're going to pursue jobs as an unskilled laborer. When that sinks in tell them to stop being stupid and respect your specialty decisions down the road.

Peach Newport said:

My point with that post was more like "Uh oh... I think she might be fetishizing my career, because that would sure explain a lot."

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Apologies. I took your post the wrong way. I thought you were saying your fiancee has a point. I take back what I said there.

Peach Newport said:

My family and fiancée have always been supportive of my choices, but recently they've been seriously pressuring me about specialties to consider - and to not consider.

I started medical school wanting to do psych or path. My fiancée thought I'd grow out of it, and said she'd support me, but recently has told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be married to a psychiatrist or a pathologist. It's not about the money (shes been dropping "hints" that wants me in FM) - it's about the stigma. Psychiatrists are "pill pushers" who "aren't real doctors anyway" and "why would you bust your ass in medical school just to tread depression?" Also, pathologists are "creepy as f**k." She says that these aren't HER opinions, rather that this is "the world we live in." She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." I hate to say it, but she might have a point.

My mom and dad agree with her - even though my mom is a child psychiatrist. My mother said that psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed." My dad thinks psychiatry is a really important and vital field... but not for his son. Both my mom and dad think pathology is "for scientists, not for doctors." Neither of them or my fiancée wanted me to go to medical school, but they said "if you're going to medical school, you're going to be a real doctor." Incidentally, none of them see a difference between an MD and a DO, so as a DO I guess small blessings.

What do you do when you love a field, but you also love your family, your fiancée, and take their opinions seriously? The politically correct answer is always gonna be "screw their opinions and follow your dreams," but unfortunately I live in reality, and the opinions of people I love are important to me.

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Something tells me your culture prioritizes your parents wishes over your own. You wouldn't be asking this if it weren't true.

Perhaps I have a strong will, but I couldn't breathe thinking that what I was doing every single day wasn't of my own volition.

Okay, to keep your fiance and to keep your parents temporarily happy you decide to do FM or whatever. Does it end there? There's a slippery slope my friend. Will your fiance hold you hostage every time she doesn't get her way? Will she/they decide which house you buy, which car you drive, the color of your tie? If there was any time to start calling the shots, now would be it. She won't be attracted to you? What kind of woman is not attracted to a self-determining man?

If someone told me to jump, I wouldn't ask how high, I'd tell them GFY. (Unless it was an attending )

Spectre of Ockham said:

Ignore the "get a new fiance crowd" , they are not in your shoes and good wifes don't grow on trees.

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Yeah, because controlling, manipulative and unforgiving are all the qualities of a "good" wife.

OP: Do what you want to do. These people aren't going to live YOUR life. If you truly want to do Path or Psych, do it. If she leaves you, so be it. Just think about it, if she's willing to hold you by the b**** in choosing YOUR speciality and professional career, think about all the decisions she's going to want to control the rest of the way.

If you let her decide this incredibly personal decision for you now...this could be you later on...

no offense but gf seems pretty dumb/shallow. i'm assuming w/ parents there is some sort of cultural/generational thing at play here. going into a field you aren't passionate about to win a small battle vs loved ones seems like a recipe for long-term unhappiness. you're stuck with your parents so who cares what they think. if your gf cares about you she'll stick with you even if you happen to be in the same profession as some other people she for whatever reason finds "creepy".

Where are you in your med ed?

Damn you got some bold ass family + fiance. Would've had a hard time taking the next step past SO if mine had said something similar. Who the f**k are you to tell me what I'm gonna do, whether you're parents or a gf/bf.

Do you first. Do what you want and what interests you without regard for what other people think. This is one decision where being selfish is absolutely the right decision.

If you already had kids, then lifestyle is a reasonable consideration. However, that does not seem to be the case here. If your fiancee does not want to be with you because you choose a particular career, then it is going to be a short, unhappy marriage anyway. Break up and move on. If your fiancee comes around and decides to support you no matter what (which is what true fiancee/spouses do) then bonus.

As for your parents, that is tougher. You can't choose your parents. I still would not consider their opinions that much, though. They'll get over it.

Peach Newport said:

My family and fiancée have always been supportive of my choices, but recently they've been seriously pressuring me about specialties to consider - and to not consider.

I started medical school wanting to do psych or path. My fiancée thought I'd grow out of it, and said she'd support me, but recently has told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be married to a psychiatrist or a pathologist. It's not about the money (shes been dropping "hints" that wants me in FM) - it's about the stigma. Psychiatrists are "pill pushers" who "aren't real doctors anyway" and "why would you bust your ass in medical school just to tread depression?" Also, pathologists are "creepy as f**k." She says that these aren't HER opinions, rather that this is "the world we live in." She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." I hate to say it, but she might have a point.

My mom and dad agree with her - even though my mom is a child psychiatrist. My mother said that psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed." My dad thinks psychiatry is a really important and vital field... but not for his son. Both my mom and dad think pathology is "for scientists, not for doctors." Neither of them or my fiancée wanted me to go to medical school, but they said "if you're going to medical school, you're going to be a real doctor." Incidentally, none of them see a difference between an MD and a DO, so as a DO I guess small blessings.

What do you do when you love a field, but you also love your family, your fiancée, and take their opinions seriously? The politically correct answer is always gonna be "screw their opinions and follow your dreams," but unfortunately I live in reality, and the opinions of people I love are important to me.

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These people have too many opinions. I am not even in this family and I have a headache from all the opining. Tell these people to go somewhere...you know where to tell them to go.

Edit: Also I think they could all benefit from Psychiatry it seems

Crayola227 said:

no offense but grow up and sack up

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I have found myself liking a lot of your posts recently. I think we view life through a similar lens. Yes to the above.